The Power of Taming Your Tongue
by Canada's Diamond Coach Adele Alfano

I thought I have heard it all in my life. Just recently I attended a women's networking group and truly had a one-of-a-kind experience. I was doing what one does at a networking group: schmoozing, glad-handling, introductions and my elevator speech (for some of you who do not know networking lingo... it is what I do for a living!). Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that a mature woman (60+ years) was continually staring at me. For the purpose of this article...we will call her "the staring lady!" For about 20 minutes she stared at me, looking me up and down. I am talking the type of staring that our mothers told us was not polite as little children. Feeling uncomfortable and thinking the worst (mascara dripping down my face, my slip falling down or God forbid... toilet paper stuck on my shoe), I turned to the woman that I was speaking to and asked if there was anything wrong with my face or my attire. No, she said, everything was fine. After my inventory, the "staring lady" came over and loudly exclaimed: '... you people are so pretty. It is amazing how bigger women always have nice faces. I guess wrinkles do not show up because of their plumpness'! To say the least, I was shocked on many levels:

Gathering up my thoughts, I retaliated and said that "at least when I get to be your age, I will at least look good". Now I know you are probably thinking that I was no better than her. And possibly in her own awkward way she was paying me a compliment. To this day, I cannot fathom what her underlying thoughts were, but I knew instantly that this incident would make a great story. So, I have to thank her for that. Here are a few of my thoughts when I mulled this over:

If you can't say something nice to someone,
then don't say anything at all

We live during times where communication is conducted through our e-mails, voice mails and Blackberry's. Yet, we are encouraged to have meaningful dialogues with people and open the lines of clear communication. Have we forgotten how to have a real conversation and being sensitive to others feelings? Most business owners know that networking is all about small talk. One doesn't ever venture into disgruntled family issues, political agendas or personal opinions at a networking event. In other words, the "staring lady" could have come up to me and simply said "I think you are so attractive", or "what kind of makeup do you use?" or "you have great skin, what is your cleansing regime?". It would have opened me up to a positive experience and an enjoyable talk.

Zip It Up and Loose the Key

I love African-American women's skin. For example, women like Oprah and Halle Berry who are gorgeous and are aging gracefully. In all my years in this business, I have met countless women who have had beautiful black skin. It would never remotely occur to me to say "you people have great skin". It is not in my nature to say anything like that, let alone that it is politically and socially unacceptable. This is where my next thought may get me in trouble! Is being bigger and voluptuous the last form of discrimination? I always encounter a woman at a networking group who makes a bee-line for me and always shares with me how much weight she has lost due to the latest book she has read or product she has used. Now, there is nothing wrong with what she is sharing with me...but I HAVE NEVER ASKED! She just assumes that as a bigger woman I would appreciate this information. To say the least, I try to avoid this woman at all costs.

Lessons from Donald Trump

I love the reality show The Apprentice. There are so many business and social lessons that I have learned from this show. One parting statement he said to a loosing team member was:

No matter what your opinion is of Donald Trump, that is sound advice. As a woman, I am on the same team as the "staring lady". Aren't we suppose to be supportive, friendly and encouraging with each other? Do you think that the "staring lady" comments came from a place of jealousy and envy? I think so! As a fellow businesswoman, because of her (dare I say) ignorant statement, would I happily recommend or refer her business to anyone? I don't think so! She could have had some business from me and have gained a new friend or colleague. She lost on all fronts!

I thank her for teaching me a few lessons as well. That it is not necessary for me to have the last word. I could have thanked her and walked away. I should have tamed my tongue as well. Two wrongs do not make a right. But, in the same breath, I am also proud of myself for knowing that we are all unique and not putting people in a compartment. It is not nice to stare, but it is also not nice to judge!

Even a fish wouldn't get into trouble, if it kept its mouth shut! Author Unknown

About the Author
Nominated for Canada 100 Most Powerful Women, Canada's Diamond Coach Adele Alfano is an award-winning professional speaker, author and co-publisher who has helped thousands of people capitalize on their unique abilities to maximize their potential through her specially designed systems. Her proven techniques have helped people mine passion and purpose in their lives and in an evolving workplace. Adele is also the co-author, co-editor and publisher for a series of collaborative books titled Experts Who Speak Books and is also the founder of the sold-out fundraising events in Southwestern Ontario called Kiss my Tiara!

Copyright Adele Alfano
www.adelealfano.com/
Reprint is welcome with permission only.

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